Huw "BOOTS" Alderman (rhythm guitar, vocals & compound mitre saw (2008 - present)
What can be said about this pale, pseudo-Polynesian singer that Boots has not said himself? His voice has often been described as “whisky over gravel”, albeit by the totally hammered and deaf section of his audience. Huw has been a long time hoarder and student of the guitar but has only recently started playing without his favourite woolen mittens.
Huw learnt his craft bingo calling and doing Elvis impressions at the “Why are we still here” Rest Home in Swindon until a nasty, whiplash incident when one of the female residents threw her drawers at him. The elastic burn scars from that soggy blow still remain visible under certain light and although Huw dribbles involuntarily at any mention of this incident, its effects are more obvious when straining daily for his bottom notes. Not many know that he also carries a lucky plectrum in his underpants for protection against G-string malfunction.
Huw learnt his craft bingo calling and doing Elvis impressions at the “Why are we still here” Rest Home in Swindon until a nasty, whiplash incident when one of the female residents threw her drawers at him. The elastic burn scars from that soggy blow still remain visible under certain light and although Huw dribbles involuntarily at any mention of this incident, its effects are more obvious when straining daily for his bottom notes. Not many know that he also carries a lucky plectrum in his underpants for protection against G-string malfunction.
Trevor "THE VICAR" Harris (Bass, Lead guitar & Social Harp)(2008 - present)
After being humiliatingly de-frocked (so the rumour goes) for selling his organ to fund a fetish for Stratocaster guitars, “The Vicar “ played with many of the leading lights of the Cambridge alternate-Blues movement, including such household names as brothers William “Floppy plectrum” and John "Out on Bail" Household-Name.
Suffering depression known only to Southampton FC supporters of that time, "The Vicar" spent many years “woodshedding” in the Delta blues service station on the A1(M) South. Trevor then pruned his roots and, when he sensed England's attention was captured by Huw Alderman's lack of potty training, craftily moved hemisphere to discover the real home of the blues, “Hamilton”. However, his wife and family finally caught up with him and he has only ever looked back since jointly conceiving, via the rhythm method, Call of Nature, later to re-invent themselves as The Conmen. Being a man of obvious breeding, he has never divulged who helped with conception but there is a rumour that Boots assisted at the birth.
Suffering depression known only to Southampton FC supporters of that time, "The Vicar" spent many years “woodshedding” in the Delta blues service station on the A1(M) South. Trevor then pruned his roots and, when he sensed England's attention was captured by Huw Alderman's lack of potty training, craftily moved hemisphere to discover the real home of the blues, “Hamilton”. However, his wife and family finally caught up with him and he has only ever looked back since jointly conceiving, via the rhythm method, Call of Nature, later to re-invent themselves as The Conmen. Being a man of obvious breeding, he has never divulged who helped with conception but there is a rumour that Boots assisted at the birth.
Marty "NO NICKNAME" Haughie (Drums & TILE-CUTTER)(2013 - present)
After a serious hair injury stopped him modelling Product items, Marty had to take a step back from the limelight ……falling over a drum kit in the process…and, liking the sound it made, decided that performing whilst sitting down out of sight but being able to eye up all the ladies was a great idea. He has filled the extremely large and turps-soaked shoes of his predecessor from early 2013 and is lauded as the band's noisiest banger.
Bruce "TOOTS" Stott (Harmonica & Bottle-opener)(2010 - present)
After a schooling in which, according to one of his mistresses’ reports, "Bruce has taken the art of underwhelming to new heights”, Toots began working life as a balloon tester for a well-known rubber company. This gave him an enormous set of lungs which take up over 90% of his chest cavity and a portion of his brain. He no longer carries his organs in a bag on his shoulder but, as old age has crept up, in a specially-tailored maternity bra - one side of which doubles as his man-bag.
Toots can blow a 12 octave Harp for 25 minutes and can stay submerged longer than all but one species of whale, which makes him very popular with the ladies but an embarrassment when performing his favourite party trick in properties with bidets.
When not unnervingly caressing the nearest microphone or struggling with 1x1 Sudoku, Bruce doubles as the band’s Health & Safety auditor and A-sample provider to WADA.
Toots can blow a 12 octave Harp for 25 minutes and can stay submerged longer than all but one species of whale, which makes him very popular with the ladies but an embarrassment when performing his favourite party trick in properties with bidets.
When not unnervingly caressing the nearest microphone or struggling with 1x1 Sudoku, Bruce doubles as the band’s Health & Safety auditor and A-sample provider to WADA.
AMY-LEE GORLICKI (SAX) (2015 - PRESENT)
Late 2015, ANZ Bank infiltrated the band in the presence of Amy-Lee - bringing much-needed sax-appeal and making a group of old men very happy. Amy also dabbles in clarinet, harmonica and keyboards but still found time to get married in 2016, dashing all our hopes.
Happily, Amy fits well into our mix and serves to moderate our excesses. For example, there has not been a 'willy' joke for some time. And Joe wouldn't understand it anyway (unless Bruce demonstrated).
Late 2015, ANZ Bank infiltrated the band in the presence of Amy-Lee - bringing much-needed sax-appeal and making a group of old men very happy. Amy also dabbles in clarinet, harmonica and keyboards but still found time to get married in 2016, dashing all our hopes.
Happily, Amy fits well into our mix and serves to moderate our excesses. For example, there has not been a 'willy' joke for some time. And Joe wouldn't understand it anyway (unless Bruce demonstrated).
JINGYU ZHANG 村里的小牛 (alias JOE) (LEAD GUITAR) (2015 - PRESENT)
Probably the best guitarist in the world, Joe (assisted when necessary (1) by his lovely wife/translator, Mandy; or more commonly (2) the English-Chinese translator App on his Samsung) joined the band upon Maciek's departure in 2015 and has been a permanent frontman ever since. With ability even greater than his enormous effects pedal board, Joe raises the band to even higher levels of performance. Despite an almost-total lack of understanding of the english language, especially as she is properly spoke by the two UK expats, his playing does the talking and we all seem to regularly start and finish together.
MACIEK HYRBOWICZ (LEAD GUITAR)(2015)
Early in 2015, brilliant guitarist Maciek Hyrbowicz was conned into joining the ensemble. From an illustrious background, including in the UK prior to his arrival in Godzone, Maciek's experience quickly identified that the CONMEN's collective musical ability mirrored their knowledge of the Polish language. Thus it was that a combination of pity and reckless abandon helped the band scale new heights.
Maciek retired from the band in 2015 to concentrate on his other music initiatives but, short though his involvement was, the CONMEN owe Maciek such a debt of gratitude for his encouragement and musical comment that he deserves a special place in our archives.
In the meantime, take time to visit http://maciekmusic.com and be amazed.
Maciek retired from the band in 2015 to concentrate on his other music initiatives but, short though his involvement was, the CONMEN owe Maciek such a debt of gratitude for his encouragement and musical comment that he deserves a special place in our archives.
In the meantime, take time to visit http://maciekmusic.com and be amazed.
